The Flying Flamingos
by Banadar
Summary: Basically a LotR fic but with Monty Python dialogue. The name doesn't really mean anything. So sue me, i'm bored. Rated PG because there is mild swearing, which may become harsh swearing. r/r:)
1. Default Chapter

A/N: Okay, this is something I came up with when I was really bored and needed to humor myself. Sorry, I made Gandalf somewhat of an idiot, and maybe a few of the others, but hey. If you watch Monty Python, Yay!!! Go you! I love Monty Python, so r&r pleez!!! Enjoy!  
  
  
  
1 Ch. 1: Gandalf vs. Saruman  
  
  
  
Saruman walked steadily over to his nifty black, chair/throne, and sits down staring at Gandalf. "The hour is later than you think—"  
  
"Oh and how do you know what I think?" Gandalf asked furiously.  
  
"You just told me you loon," Saruman retorted rolling his eyes, "okay, as I was saying before I was so rudely interrupted, the hour is later than you think Gandalf. Just last week the nine crossed the river of Isen."  
  
"Oh, and how do you figure that you old crack pot?!?"  
  
"I live here!!! I swear old man you get wackier every time I see you."  
  
"And who are you calling an old man, old man," Gandalf said looking defiant.  
  
"Nut-case," Saruman muttered to himself then spoke to Gandalf, "listen you, the nine will find the wee little halflings, and destroy them."  
  
Gandalf looked puzzled for a moment then realization crossed his face, "oh, you mean hobbits go bye-bye. I get it," he paused for a moment, "wait a second. That's not good. I gotta go help the hobbits." He began to leave when the doors started opening and shutting at intervals, making it near impossible to leave.  
  
"Now Gandalf, you are under my power," Saruman said, grinning.  
  
"No I'm not."  
  
"Well of course you are, you can't leave. Even you don't have the great power it requires to get past the swinging doors. Just try it, I dare you."  
  
"I will then," Gandalf said, turning to the nearest door. He stomped up to the door, attempting to pass.  
  
The doors then spoke, "none shall pass."  
  
"What?" Gandalf asked.  
  
"None shall pass!"  
  
"I must get through these doors."  
  
"Then you shall die," the doors said, stiffening.  
  
Gandalf rolled his eyes, "very well," he said, then muttered, "stupid doors."  
  
"We heard that," the doors snapped, "to defeat us you must beat… Saruman. Don, don, don."  
  
Gandalf turned to Saruman, drawing his magical hickory stick, as Saruman drew his white pine stick. They faced each other baring their weed and liquor stained teeth. They both held their sticks in two hands and began whacking at each other aimlessly. Gandalf was swinging blindly not even coming close to hitting Saruman. Saruman on the other hand was also swinging blindly but he eventually hit Gandalf in the nose. Gandalf squealed in pain, "you might have ruined my nose. I just got surgery on it. It cost me 5 pints of weed. Geez, have some compassion."  
  
"Well you shouldn't have wounded me. You called me old!!! Now I'm going to make you sit out in the rain, with all the bugs. Nah!!!" Saruman said looking smug. He twirled his white pine stick at Gandalf and nothing happened. "Damn stick. I just got it repaired two days ago. It always acts this way." He pounded the stick on the ground and Gandalf's hickory stick flew into Saruman's hands. Saruman looked gleeful, "hah! Now I've got your stick and your going to sit on the roof."  
  
He twirled both the sticks this time and Gandalf began to slowly float upwards. Gandalf started doing swimming motions in the air, "hey, I can fly! You may have seen a pixie stick fly, or even a bill fly, but I bet you never seen an old guy fly!"  
  
Saruman rolled his eyes then smiled as Gandalf was on the roof and out of his sight. "Aye, that guy is weird, and to think he used to be my friend."  
  
**************************************************************************** *************  
  
From behind him, Frodo heard, "yo, Frodo, where is you?" Frodo rolled his eyes and turned around to see Sam coming towards him.  
  
"There you are. Don't scare me like that! I thought left me to rot," Sam said as he caught up.  
  
If only, Frodo thought, but was interrupted when two things smashed into them, knocking them off their feet. Frodo looked up to see his old buddy Pippin on top of him. He pushed with all his might and threw the small hobbit off.  
  
"Frodo," Pip said, "hey Merry It's Frodo Baggins."  
  
"Hello Frodo!"  
  
In the distance they heard yelling so they began running. They ran until they came to a ledge, where they tried to stop but SAM had to knock them all over. They toppled onto a large pile of leaves in front of a tall wooden climbing wall. On top sat a guy dressed in a black robe with a hood and metal gloves and boots.  
  
Frodo then spoke, "hello! I say hello!"  
  
The thing looked down and said, "hello who is it?" It asked in a French accent.  
  
"It is I Frodo. What are you doing up there?" Frodo asked.  
  
"Sitting. What do you think you silly hobbit? You need to open your eye-balls."  
  
"We're trying to get to Bree. Do you know which way to go?"  
  
"No. What do I look like, the shell answer man? Now go away." The thing said.  
  
Merry then spoke up, "is there anyone else up there we can talk to?"  
  
"No, now go away or I shall reject you a third time."  
  
"Fine then, be that way!" Frodo called up then muttered, "twit." 


	2. Ch. 2: The Flamingo

A/N: To the people who actually read my story, thank you!!! I am tired beyond belief so this chapter will probably really suck. My neck hurts too. You all probably don't want to know this so I'll tell you somewhat important stuff. It might have humor from other movies, not just Monty Python (sorry) but it will mostly be Monty Python.  
  
  
  
1 Ch. 2: The Flamingo  
  
  
  
After encountering the dreaded nozdrule the four hobbits continued their journey to the village of Bree. It was rainy out that night, when they finally arrived in the small town.  
  
Approaching the gates cautiously they knocked the simple toon to "It's a Small World". The response was an ugly, pimply man opening a small window. "Who goes there?" he boomed.  
  
The hobbits flinched at the noise. Merry then hollered back, "what do you care?!?"  
  
"You could be… a Michigander (music of dread and surprise plays for a few seconds in background)."  
  
They flinched, then confusion crossed their faces, "a what?"  
  
"A Michigander! They're people from the dreaded state of Michigan. Since you don't even know what a Michigander is, I suppose you can come in." He said as his face disappeared and the gates creaked open.  
  
The hobbits rushed through and past the strange man that spoke of… Michiganders. And rushed through the street and past the man who cried wolf, until they reached the inn of the flying squirrel. They rushed in hoping to find their friend, Gandalf, but only found themselves face to face with… a sober man.  
  
They gasped and drew back in fear. Not a sober man! He then spoke in a level voice, "what can I do for you little masters?"  
  
They overcame their surprise and Frodo spoke, "four hobbit beds please under the name…Villanova."  
  
"Alrighty then. Help yourselves to some chow!" he said cheerfully.  
  
They stared after him in disgust, then took off, getting their ale and sitting down. They ate their moldy bread and cheese in silence, until Pippin left to get a full pint of ale. They continued eating in silence until Sam pointed out that a man dressed in bright, florescent pink. They stopped the sober man as he passed and Frodo asked, "who is the man in the corner, wearing the pink outfit?"  
  
The man glanced in that direction, gasped, and turned back towards the three hobbits. "He's one of those flamingo men. Crazy folk they are, wander around pretending to be flamingos. They also wander around the wild defending people and all that other unimportant stuff." After he finished he proceeded on to his destination.  
  
Frodo thought on this for a moment but stopped when he heard his name. He turned to hear Pippin say, "Baggins… sure I know a Baggins. Frodo Baggins—."  
  
Frodo got up and rushed over to attempt to shut Pippin up. As he pulled on Pippin's sleeve, he slipped on someone's shoe and fell backwards. As he fell his magical onion ring slipped from his hand and flew into the air. Everyone stared as it flew up and came down slipping onto Frodo's finger and he disappeared. Frodo scooted away as everyone gasped in surprise. He yanked his magical onion ring off and breathed deeply. He made an expression of fear as he was wrenched up off his feet and pulled out of the room.  
  
He looked up as his captor spoke, "you shouldn't draw all the attention away from me Mr. Villanova."  
  
Frodo gasped to see that it was none other than… the flamingo man. The man pushed and pulled Frodo as they wove through the inn only to find themselves right back where they started. The flamingo man looked around in frustration then shrugged hopelessly, "call me Strider. I've come to help you, you no longer await a wizard Frodo."  
  
Frodo nodded as all the others appeared in the room. They all agreed to stay with Strider. That settled, they dropped off to sleep in quarters Strider finally found. 


End file.
